Fellow citizens of humanity! The time has come for us to put aside these petty hatreds and absurd arguments that have us at each other’s throats. For we have discovered a dangerous, deeper threat, one that will consume us all. I’m not talking about invasion from space. No, this threat is bred from our own world.
Pure evil swims in our oceans.
The Octopi are coming.
They are building their armies even as we speak. Soon, they will invade the land and tear down everything we have built. They will consume our young to feed their ravaging armies while decimating our own. No one will be safe. They will not take prisoners. They will not negotiate. They will only watch us die.
You scoff at this notion: “a stupid sea creature launching a successful invasion of the surface world? No way!”
We have discovered several facts about the Octopi, facts that scare us. After stumbling upon the first we were concerned, but as our research continued and the data came crawling in, the threat of the invasion was undeniable.
Myth vs Fact
Octopi Are Sea-Dwellers
WRONG! They live in the ocean, but they can survive on land. Octopi in captivity have been known to cross entire rooms to hunt down buckets of fish, before turning around and going back to their original tank. Picture this in your mind: these “sea-creatures” cannot only survive on land without any sort of technical assistance, but can move and hunt.
Octopi Only Live 2–3 Years; They Could Never Muster and Train a Viable Army
WRONG! Humanity’s study of octopus physiology has been tempered by the Octopi themselves. Specimens that come close enough to the surface are diversions, the genetic misfits of the Octopi force, given a useful purpose in order to sedate our suspicions.
Octopi Are Stupid Creatures
WRONG! They are just as intelligent as humans; a full grown octopus is considered to have the intelligence level of a human three year old. To date, the assumption is that they haven’t developed further because of their short life span. (But we know that’s all just misdirection.)
The Octopi are deadly; even now, they are training to be masters of death. Take, for example, the “shark vs. octopus” video readily available on YouTube. One would think the shark—nature's most perfect killer—would unquestionably be the winner. Think again. Watch the video and see for yourself. The Octopi have honed their killer instincts to a razor point; even sharks are not safe.
Know Your Enemy
BULBOUS EYES give a twisted perception of the world; capable of seeing weaknesses and into our souls.
BEAK for vicious tearing action.
HEARTS. They have three. (But only need one!)
SKIN able to change colours to blend in with its surroundings; perfect for crippling sneak attacks.
EIGHT ARMS capable of subduing a human’s limbs with several left over for tearing and smacking action.
SUCKERS capable of clinging to any surface; also excellent for suction cupping a human’s face, suffocating them to death.
NOTE: Not pictured is the Giant Squid, beast of burden for the Octopi, main defence against Humanity's’ naval counter-attack. It has two giant tendrils for ship tearing action and a large beak to swallow smaller craft whole. Its eyes may or may not shoot lasers; further research is required.
Cover ourselves in lard. This will:
Keep us waterproof.
Keep us warm.
Make us smell like bacon.
Most importantly: keep us safe from those suckers.
One word: fire! They’ll have no way to plan for this attack.
How to Kill an Octopus
Attack an octopus from overhead, straight down. With appendages all around its body, this is one of an octopus’ few vulnerable spots.
Aim for the eyes. Be prepared to dig deep, they will no doubt have layers of protection. Your goal is the brain.
At all times, avoid those tentacles! Strangulation, suffocation, tearing, rending, puncturing, severe beating, and all manner of organ grinding are combat threats.
Already engaged by the Octopi, any measure necessary should be taken to draw these potent killers to our ranks.
A fellow intelligent species, also sea-dwellers. If they can be convinced to arm themselves for war, should be valuable strategists when we take the war undersea.
Giant Mutant Spiders
These don’t exist yet, but once they do, we must be quick to gain their support for the land based war. THeir octo-numbered legs will help neutralize one Octopi advantage.
Join the Anti-Octo ranks today! We need YOU! Without the support of all Humanity, there is no way we can drive these wicked cephalopods back into the depths. But with your help, there is hope! Take this quote from our Captain of Warfare Tech, Nafis:
“I’m gonna build the world’s biggest deep fryer and the same amount of batter...and by God we will deep fry those Octopi. Appetizers for everyone!!!”
Looking for more information on Humanity’s natural predator? Check out these resources:
An Octopus Is Amazing
Octopus and Squid: the Soft Intelligence
Cousteu and Dio
The Octopi Lie!
Dark Day in the Deep Sea
Mary Pope Osborne
The threat is real; they are dangerous. But together, Humanity will survive. Run down to your local barber-shop and join the Anti-Octo militia today!
This article was co-created with Christina Whitfield.